Musings

I don't get how someone can be apparently upset that they don't have good friendships, but when some really great opportunities to have caring friends come along, and after everything that has happened, it gets chucked back at them. Now this has not only hurt me because of the way it's been dealt with, but also because I thought there was trust there. I was under the impression this person was genuine. I didn't think such a sensitive person could turn out to be so harsh.. I usually have a good judge of character. But hey, people make mistakes.

When you try and be there for someone, try and make the effort to talk and be honest, and they talk to you like you're crap and acting 'childish' what else is there to do? Can't believe i've been made out to be such a bad person. I'm just really shocked to be honest.. and even more hurt that no effort has been made whatsoever on their side. I can't keep feeling like this, and my friends have been great to me and told me to just forget things and not think about it, but it's hard because of how everything happened. Not that easy to just drop, although I wish I could like they clearly have. I'm not used to feeling this vulnerable, I just can't deal with it. I guess i'm still hoping this person will prove me wrong and we can talk, but I won't hold my breath.

When all those thousands of people find their way and don't need your help anymore, you're going to realise there's something real missing, and by the time you do, they'll be far gone.

Anyway, as well as this all going on. A stupid idiot and coward ex of mine has come crawling out of the woodwork, talking to me like he's been there for me all this time and suddenly wants to be back in my life like nothing's happened. It's been a long time, a million things have happened since, and I just don't care anymore. I feel numb. Nothing at all. If they dissapeared I wouldn't know the difference. So FUCK OFF. Thanks.

On a brighter note, lately have become closer with a few of my friends who I previously held a bit of a shield up with, and feel as if I don't have to walk on egg shells anymore. Infact quite the opposite! I had a great time in Canterbury with Bex and Hannah, and i'm loving travelling around to different places, and in particular checking out different cathedrals. Just something special about them...

To Chris, I really hope you go after what you want, I know you are. Just don't let anyone bring you down yeah? I'm sure at one point we'll meet new people who are what they seem and not something different. Keep the hope. There's more to life.

To the friends that I haven't seen in ages, I'm still around and hope to see you all very soon, you all mean lots to me :)

Hope everyone is well. Thanks to all those who have been there. You mean the world. xxx