Musings

I don't get how someone can be apparently upset that they don't have good friendships, but when some really great opportunities to have caring friends come along, and after everything that has happened, it gets chucked back at them. Now this has not only hurt me because of the way it's been dealt with, but also because I thought there was trust there. I was under the impression this person was genuine. I didn't think such a sensitive person could turn out to be so harsh.. I usually have a good judge of character. But hey, people make mistakes.

When you try and be there for someone, try and make the effort to talk and be honest, and they talk to you like you're crap and acting 'childish' what else is there to do? Can't believe i've been made out to be such a bad person. I'm just really shocked to be honest.. and even more hurt that no effort has been made whatsoever on their side. I can't keep feeling like this, and my friends have been great to me and told me to just forget things and not think about it, but it's hard because of how everything happened. Not that easy to just drop, although I wish I could like they clearly have. I'm not used to feeling this vulnerable, I just can't deal with it. I guess i'm still hoping this person will prove me wrong and we can talk, but I won't hold my breath.

When all those thousands of people find their way and don't need your help anymore, you're going to realise there's something real missing, and by the time you do, they'll be far gone.

Anyway, as well as this all going on. A stupid idiot and coward ex of mine has come crawling out of the woodwork, talking to me like he's been there for me all this time and suddenly wants to be back in my life like nothing's happened. It's been a long time, a million things have happened since, and I just don't care anymore. I feel numb. Nothing at all. If they dissapeared I wouldn't know the difference. So FUCK OFF. Thanks.

On a brighter note, lately have become closer with a few of my friends who I previously held a bit of a shield up with, and feel as if I don't have to walk on egg shells anymore. Infact quite the opposite! I had a great time in Canterbury with Bex and Hannah, and i'm loving travelling around to different places, and in particular checking out different cathedrals. Just something special about them...

To Chris, I really hope you go after what you want, I know you are. Just don't let anyone bring you down yeah? I'm sure at one point we'll meet new people who are what they seem and not something different. Keep the hope. There's more to life.

To the friends that I haven't seen in ages, I'm still around and hope to see you all very soon, you all mean lots to me :)

Hope everyone is well. Thanks to all those who have been there. You mean the world. xxx

Yellow

My cover of the amazing song :]

Love singing it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah :P

Went to university today, just for one lecture - History. Loved it :)

I not only loved it because the tutor was so very animated and enthusiastic (unlike our geography lecturer, which i think is inscreasingly becoming one of those subjects i'm going to despise solely because of the tutor) but because he gave our class a very interesting activity to do which involved us putting together the dates, clues and other evidence of a case together to form the actual series of events (facts) rather than bits and pieces of evidence which got lost in translation and somewhat misinterpreted.

I had pre-judgements before coming to university, as a good handful of friends who are there, or have just graduated seemed quite unenthusiastic about it. Either I'm just extremely lucky i'm on a fantastic course, or they're not in the subject area they should be (my best friend's situation).

I go in every day expecting to be the learner, which obviously I am, but at the same time I'm learning how to be a teacher. When we go into lectures/classes the tutor doesn't tell us what to do, they simply just give us tips on how to teach each of the subjects we have in the national curriculum. First semester: Maths, English, Science, Art, History & Geography. I've got lots of notes and good ideas to do with a class already for each of these subjects so when I go into a class by the end of year 3 I should be more than prepared for teaching properly.

I'm absolutely loving university life, have made great friends, met lots of new people and have become a lot more independent with not only my own responsibilities, but also about how I am. Having to sing nursery rhymes in the first few days in front of an audience, hymns in a spiritualist church and with putting up videos on YouTube whenever I feel like it, I can safely say my comfort zone is steadily expanding, with my inhibitions soon to be out the window!

I feel myself, I'm more than happy here like this :D

In history today we were talking about keeping diaries/journals, and so I put my hand up to contribute my experience in this, and managed to raise a few eyebrows when I mentioned my online blog and how i'd hit just over 100 posts, but that was totally fine. I don't actually care what people think about that (if it's something bad), and i'm feeling a lot like this about many other people/situations. Everyone has their own lives, what they like doing and what they don't. It makes you who you are. We should all embrace it, or move on. Simple. As a teacher i'm going to have to deal with criticism all the time! May as well be honest and laugh with it ;)

Positive thinking and enthusiasm seems to go a long way! I got the job at MoDA museum to work in the art rooms being an art leader and organising/helping children create things :) Can't wait to start training, it's basically play time for me with a very good hourly wage :D I initially thought it was going to be more volunteering based (which I also didn't mind) but it's actually not. Bonus! :D

Below is one of their exhibitions: Japantastic

& my video of the day: