The morning after..

It's my day off college today. Meant to be a relaxing 'study day', but oh how wrong that timetable was.. I Woke up feeling like total crap.. My morning goes a little something like this:

-Walked like a zombie downstairs
-Unenthusiasticly took 2 paracetamol tablets
-Sat on the cold sofa downstairs in my pyjamas
-Turned on the Vaio laptop
-Signed into this 'Blogger' blog

I was originally going to write this post at the end of the day, but decided there's no time like the present to air out some frustation..

It's the first time in ages i've felt like completely blocking the world and its mother out. For those who know me well will know i'm quite strong when it comes to dealing with things - especially relationship matters. People in the past have asked how i manage it. However, it's got to the point where i just feel like giving up. I'm either getting hurt and feeling pressurised or in a relationship with someone special, but pushing them far enough away so that they don't get too close. An evidently successful defense mechanism. But where does it all end?

One of my best friends once said to me; 'If you don't let anyone in, put your heart on the line and learn to trust, you'll never experience anything real'. That was sent in an e-mail to me about 3 years ago after some trouble i was having with an ex. She was right, but we all know it gets more difficult after each unsuccessful relationship and all the other shit that happens along the way. Me and the best friend i just mentioned can relate majorly to this type of situation as we've been through exactly the same things (Quite literally..) so it's calming talking to someone who's going through the same situations.

However, at the moment i don't want to talk, but at the same time i do.. I'm contradicting myself, yet again. I don't want there to be tension and akwardness, but there is, it's expected. I can never say what i want to say without going round the houses trying to make everything sound better than it is. Have you noticed? I want to know i have friends there to listen but im still not able to tell them everything as im trying to maintain my 'tough cookie' reputation. Well sometimes i'm not, i'm only human. I'm being honest, but have managed to do it again right now. Touching on the subject but not delving below the surface. Can you tell? Of course you can. I mean, im typing to a friggin' blog post and i still can't say everything i want to say, how lame is that?
I'd like to end this post with a loud ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
..
....


Much better :)